Fantasy is never final

Friday, May 27, 2005

End of term 2

5 months of jc2 coming to an end
endless struggle comes to a halt or so i believe
i dun have to walk into a place that reeks of politics
childishness, bitches, bastards, fakes, liars, backstabbers, whiners

seriously i wonder why i even bother staying on in jc at times, just drop out and hang out on the streets appeals to me but that would ruin my future,
fuck i only think about instant gratification and not the long term
but screw long term, live day by day, nite by nite
thinking long term only gives u more problems

Its been some time since i blogged

whatever man

shitified day
gp was a fluke, essay was alrite
compre was the nightmare

what did i do after school?

go home

play ps2

later go out to buy gift
met
old classmate along the way, talk cock, walk around. thanx a lot he xiang.
buy one vcd

Do i enjoy going to school >> no
Do i look foward to going to school >> no
DId i make the right choice coming to jc>> dunno
Is my life screwed up >> personally i feel abit lar
Sian all the time>> yes
IS my class a good place to be in >> @#$%^&*()_+ NOOOOOOO
Do u want to be in my shoes>> NO
Do you think i whine a lot >> UP to u lar, but i dun give a fuck animore

THis is the only place where u can supposedly say what u want freely but even that now has restrictions .
There are so mani things i want to say

Damn the ironies of the internet, supposed to promote freedom yet ends up as a double edged sword. PPle use blogs to hunt u down and u are dead, ironic isnt, online diary>>> diary supposed to be private but add the word online and it isnt private animore.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH i want to rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine whine
crap crap crap crap

disillusioned, disfunctional, disconnected, dismal,

Want i want >> dye hair
HAppiness
To stop fucking whining
to stop thinkin so much
decent grades for mid years

11:59:00 PM

Monday, May 16, 2005

LIsten to the lyrics, read it >> summarises whats happening in me life

"Untitled" by simple plan

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

9:23:00 PM

Friday, May 13, 2005

Ur worst enemy is urself.

Self denial that things are good when u dont have a clue.

U think that things will improve when u dont know.

Uncertainty deceits ur mind , it makes u create hypothesis in ur head

U perceive that someone disses u, u in turn create an angry attitued.

Vicious cycle indeed

I dun c the point of blogging animore when it is the same old thing week after week, Have u ever seen a truly joyful post in the past Year!!!!!!!!!! I think nOT. Subtle happiness can BARELY mask the discontent and frustration under the surface.

Its pathetic to try to comfort urself telling urself that everything will be fine, things will get better. does it happen? Hell no one noes for sure,

Fuck i think i am damn jealous person, i hate it when i c other pple laughing away and joking away, pessimistic thoughts creep into my mind, maybe JUST MAYBe they are truly enjoying themselves. in school i look around and c the bday boy or girl surrounded by well wishers and showered with gifts, okiez i aint expecting that to happen, a simple and sincere wish will suffice, but just somewhere in my nagging mind, i wonder what it would be to experience such a thing. Throughout my 18 years, i have only celebrated my bday only once with friends and that was this year, most of the time its just my family and me. Yeah i guess i aint no social butterfly, i find it hard to come out of my shell. I Destest leaving my comfort zone, i dunno how to interact well with pple.

PPle often say i dun talk too much,

Well WHAT DO U WANT TO ME SAY!!!! SOME FUCKED UP GOSSIP TO MAKE PEOPLE GIGGLE IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dun have that talent nor i am a funii person who can liven up peoples day. Im just that stoned and siandiao person who sits in the corner and rots, not literally of cos.

i get queasy when i c lovey dovey couples on the streets or teens in their gangs who dun give 2 hoots about anithing bout school other than living for the moment. I wish i could just ignore this fucked up mentality of mind, this fragile balance has enabled me to stay sane through school which essentially is a place where learing doesnt take place productively. Fuck i only study for the sake of tests and am lagging behind in econs and maths,

ANd most likely when i read this post another time, i think too myself, this is the last time that i t will happen, but hah just after a few wweeks something like this will pop out again.

What has gone wrong with me, this mentalitythat has drivven me for like a year that cant be unscrewed no matter how much i scream out and fight it, it seems to win.

Pple around me say i look sian all the time, what u are seeing is the real deal , i am fucking sian of school, my life, studies, etc

Blinded by hatred, decieved by lies , darkness brews in the souls of the tortured

10:33:00 PM

Freedom
Monday, May 09, 2005

Ai mixed day.

Gp tok bout blogs.
ITs the rage now, the possible last place in sg to voice all ur frustrations and curses against anithing and anione. ALas now the govt has hinted that it may crack down on blogs, limiting freedom, just look at the case of the ASTar agency, a scholar forced to shut his blog and make unreserved apology just cos he blogged some stuff on his blog.

WTF? SO are bllogs really a place where are u totally free? I Think NOT! Personally blogs have changed my life and the way i see people. Sometimes u are so tempted to blog ur anger against someone but then hesistate cos u noe theres the possibility of others seeing it. THis feeling has got to be the suckiest of them all. And then on tagboards thers the occasional prankster who pops by and sends inflammatory language trying to get kicks out of making u mad hiding under annoymity.

SO whats next? BLOG POLICE? MAybe, but that wont be pretty, but in sg, that might beome a possible arghh the end of freedom of speech on the internet?????????

Oh yeah, this is my blog ,so i post whatever i want, it is not meant to offend , so try seeing it from my perspective at least.

Oh if u are bored and sian try going to this forum www.sgforums.com
Haha down there can waste time and check up sggirls too, lolz

haha i visit there almost everyday indicating how sian i am.

10:21:00 PM

WHose UR dAddy!
Saturday, May 07, 2005

AI i am feeling hyper

Can go on a rampage

MUAHAHAHHAHA

Wait

maybe sianess has gotten over me

The sublime darkness masks reality that make memories once so sweet all too bitter

I lUV this phrase

SO Meaningful

Ai i feel like bitching about a lot of things. MAybe it will have a thearaputic effect , bitching about others makes u feel better???? NOT scientifically proven though gives u psychological ego.

Lifes a bitch
? not really , that depends but if u are in my situation it certainly can be.

I am amazed i am still sane. Yeah being sian and apathetic can have its benefits

thank my lucky stars for it.

>>> GIRLS bitch about anithing under the sun, gossip, catfight, bitch fight, secretive, mainpulative, ULTRA shallow

Note this is not a generalisation, there are mani wonderful girls out there, but then some are real bitches.
Guys>> drink beer, fuck fear, fight over petty stuff but then more likely to be frank
Again there are mani nice guys out there too.

Okiez talked enough

Peace out dudes

1:30:00 AM

OMG
Thursday, May 05, 2005

.................
................
Lets just say that some incredible things have happened that i never thought would happen.

Hm i can safely say that containing anger and frustration is and never will be easy.

Blink 182- I am feeling this

I got no regret right now
(I'm feeling this)
The air is so cold and numb
(I'm feeling this)
Let me go in her room
(I'm feeling this)
I wanna take off her clothes
(I'm feeling this)
Show me the way to bed
(I'm feeling this)
Show me the way you move
(I'm feeling this)
Fucking is such a blur
(I'm feeling this)
I love all the things you do

Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna

Where do we go from here
Turn all the lights down now
Smiling from ear to ear
(I'm feeling this)
Our breathing has got too loud
(I'm feeling this)
Show me the bedroom floor
(I'm feeling this)
Show me the bathroom mirror
(I'm feeling this)
We're taking this way too slow
(I'm feeling this)
Take me away from here
(I'm feeling this)

This place was never the same again
After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different
To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette
On the first night we met
Look to the past
And remember her smile
And maybe tonight
I can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the seat
I think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is
I'll always be dreaming of you

Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna

Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna

8:46:00 PM

Monday, May 02, 2005

Long weekend

Its almost over just a few hours left. May day holiday is gonna be over soon. Passes too fast as usual , when u want to enjoy something it just whizzes by. May is here, another month begins, new challenges await, more hw , more shit, more whining, more bitching, more agnst.

well it doesnt have to be that way.

Aniwaes sat went to town with joel as usual, had dinner at kfc been sometime since i've been there. Hm i think they need to redesign the place, lolz lets just say girls are vulnerable when walking past the window, hint hint short skirts. Lolz shant go into details. Yeah went to watch XXX 2, hm not too bad,the papers gave it a shoddy review, but if ure looking for a flick with action and some humour, its not too bad. Funny eh, often it is the down trodden and suppressed that save the day.

There are mani nice flicks coming up like kingdom of heaven. episode 3, sin city........man i wanna catch em all

Sunday just slacked the day away, sianz watched seed destiny epi 28 man gotta be one of the best so far in the series, it shows the irony of war killing someone that saved u before, ironic isnt it, well wars are never a pretty affair.

Today woke up ate prata for breakfast went to parklane to play lan with brendan, yao, jj and some of brendans friends. Ai still getting owned by the opponents though i managed to kill some of them a few times, looks like micromanagement is the key and u have to be quick when attacking and make split second decisions. Hm i think i shall stick to the crystal maiden , i cant seem to use the other heroes effectively, lolz noob what.

Ai now need to finish up my hw, still got maths tutorial to do. ai if i dun do it , looks like i will get nice massage from jeck suan, and boi it is not a good thing, rather it hurts rather badly.

9:18:00 PM

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